
“We have little control over the intentions of others, but we should be able to change our own minds,” the words of historian and philosopher Yuval Noah Harari. He was discussing the Israel–Palestine conflict, but his message resonates deeply with many of the divisions in our societies today.
While we may have little control over global conflicts, the divisions in our families and communities often mirror these broader tensions. Today, polarization is more extreme than ever; it has permeated every corner of our lives, and many are simply exhausted by it. In fact, a recent survey from Harvard’s Making Caring Common (supported by Capita) shows that in the U.S., Americans largely want to unite. Yet, as a dear friend of mine who has studied gender for many years observes, we are all ensnared in a trap because so many dimensions of our lives are politicized and polarized. We get forced into picking sides.
Nowhere is this truer than in the world of parenthood. Anyone who has been a caregiver knows that raising a family is one of the most rewarding and challenging paths one can take in life. Parenting, a deeply personal and complex journey, has, of course, been politicized for decades, but in today’s hyperpolarized world, it is weaponized in brutal ways. Every decision—how to feed your child, how to balance work and home, how to give birth—is caught in the crossfire of ideological battles. And heaven help you if you’re a single parent or decide not to have children.
These choices have become even more polarizing as society associates morality with parenting decisions. How you put your children to bed says something about your morality as a person. The type of toys you give your children says something about if you are an “involved” parent. The list is endless and not helped by the oversaturation of videos, articles, and books that outline the “right” way to be a parent. After all, if you don’t do something this way, then you probably have it wrong. Compassion for the reality of caregiving is drowning in our rigid and self-righteous societal beliefs. It is more important to take a side or to judge than to give parents the understanding they need in a complex and ever-evolving situation.
Caregivers—especially mothers—navigate not just the personal complexities of raising children but also societal judgments that dictate how they should be and behave. In her book Mother State, Helen Sharman highlights how motherhood is consistently politicized to serve an agenda, often reducing the mother to “a weapon to be deployed in someone else’s argument.” She adds that “nurture, care, the creation of human life…have more to do with power, status and the distribution of resources, both by mothers and for them, than we like to admit.”
This all takes place against the background of a generation of parents, including fathers, who are already struggling, lonely, and anxious, a theme that is the focus of this year’s U.S. Surgeon General’s advisory. Parental burnout seems to be a particular issue in more individualistic countries such as the U.S. and the UK. A survey by Unicef UK found that almost half of British parents feel overwhelmed and a quarter lonely all or a lot of the time. And we know that the role that mothers are expected to play on the battlefield of parenting can erode women’s physical and mental health. All these layers pile on each other and ultimately undermine our families, their communities, and the very children we care for.
Polarization further undermines our ability to support one another. So what can be done? The first step is awareness. We each need to step back and reflect on how division manifests in our own lives, families, and perceptions. What if, instead of boxing parents into “good” or “bad,” we create spaces or build on existing ones—community or parent groups, workplaces, or schools—where caregivers could be heard without judgment? What if policymakers recognized caregiving as the essential societal function it is, providing the necessary resources—whether in the form of child care, financial and housing aid, strong social infrastructure, good maternal and paternal leave, supportive arrangements, or mental health services?
Let’s not fool ourselves—politics is inherent in everything we do, and judgment of others is a natural human tendency. Conflict, too, is an intrinsic part of our lives, but the key question is how we handle those tensions and differences constructively and empathetically. It is possible to listen, understand, and show each other humility and compassion, even in disagreement.
We must ask ourselves: What should parenthood look like without the burden of political conditions? Political agendas should not define parenthood; it should be defined by the love and care that parents provide. We need spaces that open our imaginations and allow diverse experiences and ideas to flourish. By stepping back from the polarization that clouds our understanding, we can begin to envision a world where different experiences of caregiving are not only accepted but celebrated.
In a world of constant flux, we must embrace the idea that there is no “one way” to be a parent. No one child is the same. Only by acknowledging and opening up to the complexity of caregiving can we break free from divisive scripts and truly support families and their communities.
Caroline Cassidy is Capita’s Chief Strategy Officer.